Probably like most of you, I felt a whole lot different about the 2018 Giants one week ago than I do today.
One week ago, Jeff Samardzija was healthy as a stallion.
One week ago, Madison Bumgarner’s left hand featured no broken bones.
One week ago, Mark Melancon was primed to make up for an awful 2017.
We were all so much younger then.
Now, each of those three names is either heavily questionable, on the shelf for the time being, or lost for months.
Can we go back to happier times, like when pitchers and catchers reported?
So, as the season begins Thursday in Los Angeles, in front of the National League champs and Clayton Kershaw’s arm and Corey Seager’s swing and Yasiel Puig’s tongue and 55,000 Giants-hating Angelenos, I find myself struggling to find that angel on my one shoulder — to counteract the devil on the other shoulder.
You know how it goes. Your better angel says one thing. Your sinister devil says the opposite. I’d refer you all to the movie “Animal House”, but this is a PG-13 blog.
So let’s let those two beings battle it out on the most pressing topics of the 2018 Giants.
— MADISON BUMGARNER.
The angel frolics and says, in a caressing whisper “His broken pinky is not season-ending! He’ll be like a trade pickup in June! This wasn’t a careless mistake like the dirt bike — MadBum is primed to prove himself again and he will by only missing 12 starts! He’ll still make 21 starts!”
Meanwhile, the devil sneers and says, sounding like Joe Pesci: “Back in June? When the Giants are already 13 games out and looking to dismantle at the trade deadline? And who says the broken finger doesn’t affect him going forward long-term? And did you feel the air suck out of the season like I did? This is all sorts of awful. Heh heh heh.”
— THE ROTATION FEATURES TY BLACH ON OPENING DAY, AND A GUY WHO DOES KERMIT THE FROG IMPRESSIONS.
The angel frolics and says in an upbeat gasp: “Ty Blach is gritty! He owns a 2.23 ERA against the Dodgers! He beat Clayton Kershaw in Game 161 two years ago! And I love Derek Holland’s impressions! I heard them on the ‘Murph & Mac’ show in Scottsdale, and roared with delight!”
Meanwhile, the devil sneers and cackles, sounding like Joe Pesci: “Ty Blach? The guy who went 2-7 with a 5.02 ERA in the second half of last year? Oooooh. I bet the Dodgers are scaaaaared. Shakin’ in their boots. As for Jim Henson, last time I saw him, he was getting run out of town by the White Sox with a 6.20 ERA. Who is he, Kermit the Frog or Matt Moore redux?”
—THE OPENING DAY ROSTER WILL FEATURE GORKYS HERNANDEZ, BUT NOT STEVEN DUGGAR.
The angel frolics and says with great cheer: “Oh fantastic! Did you see the second half that Gorkys had last year amid the seagulls? He hit .281 with an on-base of .343 and made wonderful catches! The young cherub Steven Duggar will benefit from a lack of Opening Day pressure, and will be here soon enough. Just you wait!”
The devil cackles, and roars with disdain, sounding like Joe Pesci: “Gorkys!?!? Is that Venezuelan for ‘Marvin Benard’?? Hahahaha. The Duggar kid was the first chance to inject youth and excitement into the roster, and of course the ‘Retirement Home Giants’ wanted no part of him. Typical!”
— MARK MELANCON
The angel frolics and says: “………….ummmmmm ….. gee ….. I can’t think of anything positive to say.”
The devil drops the mic: “See you after another 90 losses, kid!”
Meanwhile, sports fans, I’m doing my best to call the Devil Exterminator and invite the Happy Angel over for Opening Day beers. This is America, after all. And it’s baseball season.