There was a time in my close-minded life I’d have blasted Major League Baseball for this upcoming “Players Weekend” nonsense.
Nicknames on the back of the jersey?
My old self would have spat out my $14 ballpark beer and told tales of how Babe Ruth, Willie Mays and Ted Williams never wore their nicknames on the back of their jersey. They wore their darn jersey! Like a good ballplayer should!
But with age comes perspective. With report after report targeting baseball as a sport with one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel in terms of demographics, I acknowledge that now is the time for MLB to start hustling.
There is a whole generation of kids growing up willing to gun for a Division I scholarship in video games rather than sit through a 3 hour-15 minute, six-pitching-change tilt between the Giants and the Padres. So, if that means MLB has to start shaking things up to dust off the cobwebs, I’m on board.
Only problem is, the nicknames that have surfaced — some mildly creative (Josh Phegley’s PTBNL for his ‘Player to Be Named Later’ status), others utterly middle-of-the-road (Buster Posey’s ‘Buster’, for example) — missed a comedic truth-telling opportunity.
If only frustrated Giants fans could have stitched nicknames on the 2017 squad to exhaust rage over a season gone wrong! A partial list might go as follows:
— Hunter Pence: Despite a little power surge of late, the Giants’ lack of pop this year can be crystallized by the man’s .674 OPS. Hence, we’d like to see on Pence’s back . . .
‘WHERE’S THE BEEF?’
— Matt Moore: Early in his Giants tenure, we likened his tantalizing talent mixed with his wild inconsistency as Slingin’ Jonny Sanchez re-incarnated. With the way his 2017 season has gone, we’d all kill for Moore to be Sanchez again. With a 3-12 mark and a 5.88 ERA, the back of Moore’s jersey should read . . .
‘KILLING YOU’
— Madison Bumgarner: Stealing this one straight from a listener, because it’s all that need be said. Bumgarner could even wear the red, white and blue pantsuit in honor of the April mishap in Colorado and stitch on the back of his jersey . . .
‘KNIEVEL’
— Hunter Strickland: Even though he’s pitched well at times this year, his duel with Bryce Harper marked a point in the season where the Giants seemed lost. Buster Posey didn’t even go out to stop the fight; the Giants’ priorities looked all of out whack. For the place where he looked like he’d rather be than the pitcher’s mound, we could stitch on the back of his jersey . . .
‘OCTAGON’
— Bruce Bochy: The skipper is about as unassailable as it gets in the Bay Area. Whether you want to blame Bobby Evans for the poorly-constructed roster, or the players for underachieving, Bochy seems low on the list of Team Problems in 2017. He hasn’t resorted to ripping his team, nor has he seemed to lose any respect or hold in the clubhouse. His team just isn’t performing. We know Bochy has sought refuge in a bottle of fine red wine from time to time, and even offered players in need to “grab a beer,” so let’s get that stitching super small and fit a big phrase on the back of Bochy’s jersey, like when the Giants had to fit ‘Van Landingham’ on the back way back when and go with . . .
‘TEAMS LIKE THIS ARE WHY THEY INVENTED ALCOHOL’
Go ahead, sports fans. Play along at home. It’s cathartic.